Marriage: Wimps Need Not Apply

Remember those fights with your high school boyfriend or girlfriend that had you all in a tizzy, tears rolling down your cheeks, black eye makeup staining on your pillow? You knew it was really bad when you woke up with your eyes so puffy it looked like you tried to break up a Nicki Minaj vs. Mariah Carey fight and instead you were socked by the both of them. You felt like you’d partied till 2am defying the rule - liquor before beer, you’re in the clear, opting instead for beer before liquor, never been sicker. Inside you were empty, destitute and anxiety ridden.

Or was that just me?

Everything I’ve ever had to let go of in my life has claw marks in it from me holding on so tight.

I am still very  much that way. Maybe it’s being codependent. Maybe it’s just because I’m scared of change. Whatever it is – it’s a quality I don’t want to pass down to my daughter or have affect her life. I shudder to think of her going to college… will I really be able to handle the whole process of letting go? What if she’s like me – a girl who began sneaking out her bedroom window at 15 to stay out later than she was supposed to. What if she’s a wild child who never wants to be the first one to leave a party or say no to a dare?

Dear Lord – please don’t let her be like her momma.

My daughter is 1.5 years old and these are the things that I think about.

Why am I writing about this? Well, this past weekend was one fraught with tears similar to those of my dramatic high school dating days. Only in marriage, the stakes feel as high as a man’s final excruciating pull on the slot machine lever before going home to admit to his wife he’s been laid off and gambled away their life savings.

I’m married to an incredibly hard-working, loving, generous, extremely FUNNY and devoted (to us and to his job) man.

We are polar opposites. Perhaps opposites do attract and that’s what we were drawn to. Living with an opposite though, can be almost infuriating at times.

I’m a messy person. He’s incredibly neat. I’m disorganized. He’s OCD organized.

I’m always looking for my keys, my charger, my contacts and then finding them in the most random of places.

I’m impatient and in a rush. I do everything fast. I do it so fast that I often break a dish, or a glass, or ding the wall. I’m a bull in a china cabinet.

He’s patient and logical. I’m impulsive and emotional.

We’re trying to move which means our house has to be neat for the realtor to take the pictures. Neat? I have a toddler and I can’t blame it all on her (although she does become the scapegoat sometimes!) because I’ve never been neat. Sure, I can vacuum, windex and dust but nothing ever stays that way for very long. I also have to engage with Felicity, stimulate her mind, bring her to activities, make lunch, dinner and so on. Oh… and I’d much rather blog than clean!

They say the first year of marriage is tough. They also warn that children put a strain on marriage and that moving is incredibly stressful.

Try doing that all in 2 years with your polar opposite love.

On both sides, our relationship can feel like…

Take it. Take another little piece of my heart now baby… break it… break another little piece of my heart now baby.

Janis Joplin knew what she was doing when she poured her heart into this song on stage, I can feel her pain and I can feel the same pain within me when we fight.

Relationships can be trying and tremendously gratifying all in the same week. I’m beginning to learn that it’s just par for the course. It’s not easy, perhaps by design. But in the words of Janis Joplin…

I’m gonna try yeah, just a little bit harder
So I can give, give, give, give him every bit of my soul.
I’m gonna try yeah, just a little bit harder
So I can show, show, show him love with no control.

And that’s all I can do.

I love you PK!